Updated: Jun 5
The main reason why a relationship breaks down ,
And it's simply , lack of understanding of each other,
Of course the how they communicate enters in as does a progressive lack of intimacy or " quality time"
But for the benefit of this blog we,re going to discuss , depth of meaning,
Or as I like to call it...
The seeking to Understand.
Assuming how or why your partner does or does not do something, can be one of the most destructive relationship breakers there are.
So many couples do each others thinking for them,
Assign a crystal ball into the relationship and consult that, rather than talking to each other
The problem with that is,
When you consult your own thinking about what you think is happening, it's never going to end well,
The Ego kicks in, ( your protector)
It will generate worst case scenarios, as it believes if we see the worst, we can prepare for that.
Your brain has recognized the insecurity feeling, the fear , and so , it presents worst case examples..because , bless it, it wants you to be in control, and not return to a powerless place from before ..
Thankyou ego, we can see what you're trying to do, BUT,
We,LL take over from here 🙂
Let's use an example.
Feels that her husband no longer finds her attractive, he rarely compliments her and seems to have closed down , she thinks it's because he's now bored of her.
She seeks validation on Instagram to boost herself up .
Client b. Struggles with showing any attention to his wife at the moment because he feels that she is bored of him, because he sees her getting likes from younger men on Instagram, it makes him jealous and so he feels inadequate and retreats. He closes down and feels resentful and hurt
The 2 couples both are thinking , feeling the same thing, but neither shares this and just assumes it's the other person.
The more they do not get honest,
The more the behaviour continues.
The more unattractive the wife feels the more she pushes for extern validation to trigger a response .
The more validation she requires, the more convinced husband is , and the more closed he becomes.
The rolling stone gathers Moss.
How do you think this plays out?
Imagine what other areas this then bleeds into ?
I encourage Clients to seek to understand!
In this instance .
Honey, can I ask you something, Do you still find me attractive,
The reason I ask is ,well because sometimes it can feel like you don't think I am, is that true ?
May I ask why do you think we don't show much attention to each other anymore ?
And then listen...really listen to each other...
Explain don't defend
And yes that might mean being a little vulnerable with your hurt , but people , the truth is always enlightening, it's always quite cute and sensitive
The falseness isn't, it's cold, and hurtful and tactical.
So allow vulnerability.
Seek to understand ,
Ask great questions
There you will find truth.
And there you can put down the weapons,
Let down your guard
You're on the same team.
You're in love not at war ....