Updated: Jun 5
Can't live with them,
Can't live with them.😀
But seriously ..let's talk mud slinging..
Or as I call it the irrelevant fluff sandwich
2 people trying to discuss why the night before went spectacularly wrong.
The real reason was because.
Didn't want to go out,they had assumed they would be having a nice night in, they'd assumed that because, person B, had said they would spend quality time together.
felt unimportant by the " go out" unloved because they didn't seem to want to "just be with them ",
And taken for granted, because person B..didn't consider them..
Unimportant. Unloved and taken for granted ..: none was expressed.
Was excited to take person A out because in their mind, person A, would love to try the new cocktail bar, they had said so last week, but, person A was bitching, moaning, it made person B feel unappreciated , for the effort they'd put in,
Person A went into a huff and left person B to fend for themselves,
They felt stupid, unloved and unimportant ..
Many drinks later, person A lost their wallet,and it erupted into a huge argument about carelessness, irresponsibility and constant sulks.
The conversation the next day went into a, she said,I said. . fluff sandwich.
Both parties desperately trying to defend, or outdo..rather than just explain.
Too many details came in, in this bid to explain why person A was more correct or right than person B.
Round and round and round we go..
Nobody getting honest, Nobody getting real ..
Nobody getting , a tad vulnerable.
.Isn't it funny, how everybody goes to great lengths to avoid simply saying, actually, I'm quite hurt, or, I felt rather unimportant or unloved, when we just went out, rather than staying in.
Why do you think that is ?
What is the risk?
What's the very worst thing that could happen if you just, said it how it was...for you, soft you, vulnerable you ?
Now I've asked you to reflect, let's get back to the Scene .
So there you are, mudslinging, mentioning everything but, the truth.
Halt....put down your weapons and step away from the kitchen table ...
Do you see..
What else could we perhaps do next time to start preventing conflict.
How about,Checking things out ..not assuming..
Person B..I'm thinking of taking us to the cocktail bar tonight , as I heard you say you'd like it .
Person A..actually...I'd prefer to stay in..as actually I thought that's what you meant by quality time...I'm actually a bit hurt you don't want to.
Person b..no...I thought YOU would prefer to go out than stay in with boring me...
Person a...god no....I'd love that. .
Rule 1.Check things out .never assume...
Rule 2. Say how something makes you feel, it gives you a chance to be proved wrong, or comforted....
Saying nothing creates resentment that bubbles up....see wallet explosion...
Person A. I'm actually pretty hurt that we,re staying in,
Person B. Oh are you, I'm sorry that wasn't my intention, I thought you'd enjoy going out...
If you didn't manage to nip it in the bud before hand..
Sit down with it first .
What really was the issue.
The beginning ,not the simmering end result..
In this case it was not feeling loved or important enough to stay home with.
.it was feeling unappreciated and alone because they thought their efforts were being thrown in their face.
Seek to understand..not to mudsling.
I ask Clients ..ok
What was the meat in the sandwich.
Not the and You said this, and then that friend of yours did that.
What feelings were hurt...why ..
This opens up communication of a different variety .
Remember you're not there to be right...
Or score points.
You're there to problem solve .
Together .and that might mean, showing a bit of vulnerability, admitting you were hurt ..
There's the connection...there's the honesty ...there's the melting. ..
From that place. .you remember,
From that place you can talk
From that place, you find resolve.
Stop being at war..
And remember , you're in love..
There are no winners in conflict...only wounded soldiers.
So pick your battles and remember.
You're on the same team.